Numb

These trying times have made me stronger physically, mentally but very numb emotionally. I have this automatic switch that makes me feel ready for a big problem to come and I have learned to become more patient in dealing with tight situations.

It is tiring to get mad, and it is a waste of time and energy. Better to focus instead of what lies ahead and the tought that really keeps me going is that this will be over soon.

Best to stay away from people with negative vibes most especially the ones that are related to you. If they won't do you any good, reserve that time instead with your family and swap funny stories over dinner.

I like seeing my kids smile when we trade stories. It makes my day complete and I learn a lot from them. Last night I got carried away when they asked me who Don Corleone was. Well they listened and enjoyed my short tale.

Being numb is good. Amidst the crisis that I and my family face, it doesn't seem like there is a crisis at all.

It is mid-April and I long to have that long awaited vacation at the beach with my wife and kids.

When it rains it pours

I have been going through a streak of major setbacks for the past 2 months now. Added to the year long betrayal problem is the annual tuition fee, mortgage payments, and bills that don't stop coming in the mail.

A friend said through a YM message that everyone goes through this and we are given problems that we can solve. Well that's a fact and his advice was very encouraging.

This morning I received one of those "faith" emails with a dumb story about a professor and his famous piece of chalk. I could'nt stop myself from replying so I had to give him a piece of my mind regarding his lesson on faith.

This afternoon I had a wonderful lunch alone at this cheap Korean fastfood outlet. Having the need to carboload for tonight's run, I had chicken barbeque, rice and ramyun. I guess that was the only highlight of the day aside from hearing about other bad news on how I was supposed to get paid by my brother's swindler friend and partner, and how the appraisal of my house went as people there stood by to the computation of the bank's appraiser with no objections at all!!!!

I am still happy, in good health and as strong as ever. I write to say that I will just put this all behind and run tonight to the tune of Tom Petty and the Hearbreakers, Steely Dan, and Manfred Man's Earth Band.

The reward is a runner's high, and hopefully good sleep tonight with the thought of being at the trails again in a day. It just makes me smile. It just keeps me going.

It is the best thing to do because stress can make you sick, burn you out, or even kill you.

These things will be over soon. I say this to myself again as I look forward to seeing the beach soon with my family...even just for two days...please.

Broken Promises

I am on my nth week of being worried about the outcome of a year old problem. Last week, words were exchanged between my brother's wife and I.
In trying to solve the problem, my brother made up a story using me as the main character. Instead of solving the problem, it made it even worse. It created a chain reaction from his wife, the most beautiful member of our family when she called my client, and even my in-laws.
Going with the saying that the truth will set you free, I think it did in a way for me. But for the problem, it didn't.
I just woke up this morning mad as hell again having to follow up with those who are supposed to be doing the task of cleaning up this mess.
I am caught in between, I am treated unfairly, I am not getting any support from the ones who are close to me.
I echo my father's words over the weekend, that "whatever has been said and done is over. Past is past and we should be helping each other solve this once and for all". Very well said, if only the concerned people can hear.
They promised me, but did not deliver.
Who is on my side? No one.
Meantime the best way to escape is to run away from the problem. Literally run. I did that this morning and tonight, I might just do it again.
Just to be able to sleep well.
I hope they read this. I am innocent but treated as if I did wrong.
Where is justice in this life?
What happened to honesty?
To family?
I just keep telling myself that this will be over soon and I will be able to rest.
I no longer have faith, and I am condemed by those who are supposed to support me.
I don't care, I'll just keep trying everyday for as long as I can....

Alone?

There are days in your life when you feel great. And there are days that suck. Yesterday topped them all.

In my efforts to solve a year long problem caused by my brother, I ended up making a wrong turn. I consider the move a made a wrong turn in the eyes of those who were affected but to me I thought of it more as teamwork where together everyone is supposed to achieve more.

Based on the response I got, I believe nothing will be achieved so I tried seeking advice from close friends only to get unanswered calls that I hope will be returned soon.

So there I was all alone with no one to extend a helping hand or a kind word of advice.

Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I called my wife and told her that I was on my way home to talk to her about the problem.

I got home early yesterday only to see her on her way out. While waiting, I put on my running gear and did 5 fast laps out of 10 and decided to call it a day. It cleared my mind, and while I was at it, it gave me the thought of not quitting and finding a solution for peace of mind's sake.

I woke up this morning only to hear more bad news. But I was determined to pursue my own plan today with the help of my wife.

Sometimes I keep telling my self that this will be over soon. Good or bad, it will end and I will be able to get my much needed rest hopefully in the company of my wife and kids.

Sometimes we feel alone because we look for happiness elsewhere forgetting the fact that the people you love are just there waiting for you to tell them about your bad day.

Last night my son lent me his iPod so I could listen to his newly downloaded tunes and it helped me relax a bit. While my youngest son was watching me savor the music, my wife's arms were wrapped around me.

I was not alone, and I think I never will be.

The Beginning of Greater Rides

I am posting for the first time this year. After reading my last post, I want everyone who reads this to know that great rides have not ended but have lead to the beginning of even greater rides.

My love for the sport exceeds my hate for past events. I can't say wounds have healed, but I can say I easily forget and mountain biking is the best solution for you to forget your problems, whatever they are.

In restrospect, last year was a good year for me, my family and my friends. For business, it was a lot better than the previous year. For my home, we just had a new room done, and 4 new members added to my family of 7. So we're now 12 in all.

I also bought a new Vespa and there are a lot of opportunities that lie ahead.

There is a problem though, a big one that I still have to solve, with a deadline to boot coming in a few days.

Since my new year's resolution is to think positive. Life is shortso enjoy the ride, I say I just have to deal with it.

One of my main goals for this year is to REST. I need a break, a break from all of this. Work, money, exercise, and a host of other things one can't do without.

I have also made a vow to spend more time alone : go to the spa, window shop, listen to my favorite tunes while sipping coffee, or talking long walks around the city.

Last but not the least is to spend more time with the kids. I've actually done that during the Christmas break but there are better ways of spending time with them. Doing something simple, quiet, intimate like the time we went to the beach last summer snorkling the whole day, feeding the fish.

Hope I will be able to take a step back soon. Re-energize and take on whatever comes my way this year.

The End of Great Rides?

I just realized that I have not posted anything for a whole month. I normally write about good, happy, memorable events.

This time I write with a heavy heart. I had just been betrayed by my own brother at the start of the year. Wounds have not healed yet and now I just found out that a biking buddy did the same last week.

Fortunately, I have friends who told me about it. Now I am burdened with the task of dealing with this issue. It has taken a toll on my health, work, relationships, and one of the loves of my life...mountain biking.

If you back read, I need not explain further. Last Saturday was the first time in my biking history that I will have to painfully admit, I lost my appetite. The zeal was no longer there, the excitement was gone.

At the end of the day, it all boils down to money...money the true god of everyone. Money, the one thing everyone desires.

I have decided to sell my bikes this week : a giant reign and an old school specialized M2. a friend just called to try to convince me not to go ahead with this. although it pains me, I cannot bear to have to put up with people I cannot trust, especially in the trails.

Sometimes it is difficult to understand life. You work and strive to become a better provider to your family and later on, you discover that people try to steal your livelyhood from you. Confronted they say they did not intend to do so. They merely wanted to show me how to earn more.

Good intentions? I think not. This is what you call dog eat dog. But the irony of it all is that dogs are not even like that. Part of my family are 2 dogs : a Pitbull named Bruno and the Shi tzu named Missy. They are a bundle of joy, hard to manage but definitely do not eat each other as the saying goes.

I think the saying should be : man eat man. Sad to say, this is true even among family members, friends, relatives, co-workers.

So never let your guard down or you get punched in the face.

So will this be the end of great rides? I really don't know.

The answer lies in how I will feel towards the people around me within this week.

Sad....

The Meeting of the Spirits

After searching "John MacLaughlin" at youtube.com last week, one of the results yielded a song entitled "The Meeting of the Spirits". It showed a performance of the then Mahavishnu Orchestra with Jean Luc Ponty on the violin.

It made me wonder what a meeting of spirits meant, last Saturday, I began to realize what it meant.

After four weeks of band rehearsals for the upcoming silver Jubilee of Batch '82 of our highschool, I had a chance again to play infront of a big crowd after a long vacation from my musical hobby.

The rehearsals were great, well...most of them, but I forgot the feeling one gets when a big crowd is watching.

Soundcheck was scheduled at 2PM, so I had my wife drop me off at my regular scooter shop to enable me to get my scooter. I then proceeded to the venue to check the equipment and how we sounded as a band.

To my disappointment, 2 band members did not show up on time. But when they did, we proceeded to run through the hardest songs to make sure everything was in place. My band mates told me we sounded great and that I should put in 100% more power to my drum playing, (according to our lead guitarist), a thing that would surely happen when I see a big audience.

And happen it did. We had to get home to freshen up, but due to the terrible traffic caused by the heavy downpour, I was stuck for more than an hour.

On the way driving, I thought heavily about the possibility of my youngest son watching the event. I went on to focus more on getting us there together on time.

I got there a few minutes later than the agreed time but it was OK as everyone was busy registering and greeting long lost friends, classmates, etc.

The rest of the guys showed up and voila, we were ready to set up and we were given the signal that we were on in 15 minutes.

Band leader freaked out, our bassist was missing. I called, and gladly got the good news that he was a few minutes away.

My next worry was my youngest son. Remembering his anxiety to see his pop play on stage for the first time in his life, I sent a text message to my wife that said : were on in 15.

Upstage, I sent a last message to her that said : starting in 5.

Then, my bassist friend, gives me a big smile and lifts a cold can of beer to sort of say..."enjoy the party". That did it all.

I was loaded before the show started ( to say the least), and according to our keyboard player...he was flying. Out in the parking lot, my son was flying too, running as fast as he could to catch our first number.

The rest is history. I can't say that the performance was flawless, but I can definitely say that the energy was superb, and all out.

While we played, I experienced the "Meeting of the Spirits". The smiles on the faces of my band mates after each song we played, the high fives and handshakes from the audience after the performance, and most of all, my sons embrace after I had just gotten off stage.

While I was changing to a fresh shirt from my sweat drenched shirt, he said "Pop, you were good". I guess during the 9 songs we played, his spirit met with ours too.